3.24.2011

STAGE 2 - What Do YOU Do?

"What do you do?"

A question that you've probably asked or received in your lifetime. A question, that I think when answered, says quite a lot about the recipient. So the researcher in me decided to do a batteries-in-the-freezer ghetto study, and these were a few of my findings:

Asker: "What do you do?"
Person A:
"I'm [Insert occupation here] at [Insert establishment here]."

Ah, the vintage answer to the question: This is how I make money. Fair answer; We live in a society that lives and dies by status, and that manifests itself in the way we treat people according to their occupation. So when posed with this question, many people choose to define themselves by what they do for a living. That being said, in my opinion Person A is unconsciously saying: "I hope to God this impresses you off the bat because I am a really boring person."

Asker: "What do you do?"
Person B:
"I [Insert generic activities here]."

"Generic activities" is a tricky term, so let me lay it out. If you've ever heard anyone say something along the lines of "I go to parties", "I listen to music", or "I watch [show]", then congratulations: You've identified a generic activity. However, Person B scores more points than Person A with their answer for the simple fact that they are not trying to impress anyone. This is a safe, simple declaration of interests, and I find that more respectable than a sentient resume.

Asker: "What do you do?"
Person C:
"I [Insert talent/talents here]."

Now we are moving out of average territory. The person who snaps into their talent set without certain words (more on that next) isn't trying to impress, and they want you to know that. Person C is not like Person A or B, and they'd rather you know it sooner rather than later because what they do is uncommon. Though it's a good one, the downside to this answer is that it can come off like Person C is trying to impress, which means their delivery is also important. The more nonchalant the delivery, the less of a factor impression truly is.

Asker: "What do you do?"
Person D:
"I'm an [Insert talent/talents here]."

Remember that bit about certain words in the previous paragraph? That's because despite the similarities, Person D is the red to Person C's blue. This person is actively trying to impress the asker, which is warranted if they have a passion for whatever talent they have. But by using "I'm an" in their answer, Person D is defining him/herself by their talents - which makes this the riskiest answer. On one end, you may be the red-nosed reindeer. On the other, you may be the Green Ranger.

Asker: "What do you do?"
Person E:
"As iiin...?"

What sets Person E apart from all the rest, is that they've got this thing figured out from jump street. The quintessential answer to "What do you do?" is the ability to navigate the fog of your ego well enough to discover "What do you do?" is a vague fucking question. This forces the asker to go into specifics, ergo, getting you straight to the point without a tinge of the risk (a.k.a. the coveted post-bullshit zone). Thus Person E has not just the safest answer, but the smartest.

So, here's a recap of this analysis:
Person A: You may be piloting that Gundam, but you didn't build it.
Person B: "I am, therefore I don't have to think" ain't a good look, b.
Person C: Confidence is a two-way street.
Person D: Charisma is a two-way street.
Person E: Scouting the perimeter is an advanced strategy - know it.

Amazing how a simple question can take you to the next level, huh? Well, hopefully the next person to ask "What do you do?" doesn't have my thought pattern, because the people who are usually in the position to ask tend to be the only thing standing between you and justifiable irrelevance.



Think about it.

3.17.2011

STAGE 1 - Maybe You Noticed

I've taken the liberty of reviving this thing. Sorry, but I don't fit in a world where thoughts are seemingly incapable of exceeding 140 characters.

What brought this on? Well, I'm doing this during a nearly 10-month losing streak: May: Lost my job. June: Knee degenerates. July: Other knee follows. August: Lost my fall semester. September: Woman uses me. October: Stuck in unnecessary program. November: See September. December: Death pays a visit. January: Lost my academic career. February: Crush two fingers in a freak accident.

I dealt with that alone.

Why am I making a point about loneliness? Picture this: Your family you see everyday? They don't exist. The long-term group of people you call friends? See them twice a year. That significant other who keeps you in the game through thick and thin? Never in your lifetime.

Miraculously, I'm still a functioning person (suck it Gibson), but apparently enduring 10 months of fail alone without a strong support system is extremely unhealthy, and one afternoon while raiding the fridge I collapsed. The good news? I regained consciousness in time for Archer.

Sounds bad? Well it's worse when no one knows you're a member of a certain 20% of the human population - including you. At least y'know, until now.

For those unable/too lazy to click that link, I learned from a professional that I'm an HSP - a highly sensitive person. Means that my brain is the organic equivalent of a supercomputer, everytime. Awesome, right?

Well, it is. Allow me to make an example: If you've ever seen my music collection, you'd know that the archive is pushing 10,000 songs and most of them are purely instrumental. But what you don't know, is that I can thoroughly identify every single one from a simple excerpt (try me out next time). Yet, I can't tell you what I ate three days ago.

Being an HSP doesn't make you a genius - it just turns your neurological senses all the way up to 11, as the name implies. As demonstrated by the example, and possibly vouched for by many people, I think in an obviously derivative way, but not in that "why are you walking around without a strait jacket" way. Been that way all my life, to great success, and also great failure.

And that brings me to the big downside of being an HSP: You feel everything very, very deeply. "Everything?" Everything. Again, as the name implies, I am highly sensitive. Doesn't mean I'm walking around with a Kleenex every five minutes, but it does mean that when things go wrong, I don't just know they went wrong - I feel they went wrong. And let me tell you - it's crippling.

It brings me back to dealing with failure alone. As someone who can't stop thinking intensely, being alone kicks it into overdrive in a way that feels like aggravated assault. I don't make a habit of complaining because it relies on two things: 1) My ability to convey the intensity of my feelings, and 2) The capacity of understanding in another person, which is often lacking.

Since those two things are oil and water, I unwisely/inevitably opt to hold it all in, and if my frustrations are unaddressed like they always are, my brain gets overloaded and it crashes. That is why a trip to the fridge suddenly turned into hours of unconsciousness. It was the first time in almost three years that happened, because I had been relatively content recently.

So when I finally got up, I realized that I spent the past month being a hub for intensely negative thoughts, and I decided on the spot to isolate myself in a familiar, welcoming environment for a month: Playing stuff online with the crew, exclusively. That meant I wasn't using Facebook, answering my phone, using IMs, or trying to contact anybody who's seen me in person.

During that time, my fingers healed (which actually made doing the things I love to do easier) but I wasn't ready for that stuff still. I didn't want to hear relatively happy people be happy because all that does is make me feel worse. Involuntary over-feeling leads to involuntary over-absorbing, and I think I have enough people trying to kick me while I'm down.

But like most things, it can't last forever. As fun and stress-relieving as playing a bunch of rounds with my international gang is, I still have to face the rest of the world. The world, that I still feel sees me as nothing more than a utility. The world that quite frankly, I feel can be a little more evenly distributed in terms of how much I enjoy being in it.

That will not come overnight, and that will certainly be challenged time and time again by people, but right now, I believe that I am on my own this time for a reason. Not because of other people, but because of me, and I am going to use this space to assist me in my never-ending quest for happiness.

That being said, expect more engaging posts here. It should be recognized that my ability to reflect on myself won't be a regular feature, but this one had to be done, so don't get used to it.

Here goes nothing!